Death Wishes
by Izzu
Summary: Chuno:. It seemed everyone had death wishes these days...


az: Been posting a lot on AO3. Might as well get it here.

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Death Wishes

By Izzu

o

When he first caught sight of him, he thought he had imagined it. That the figure of greatness that had saved his life and that of Eonnyeon—whom didn't even stop to look at them and continued fending off the invading Qing—be reduced to a crippled slave. Much less he thought of him when he was tasked to hunt the man, he'd thought everything else about him were a hoot. That man wouldn't be the exception; everything else in his life had turned out to be full of lies and deception. Nobility... what rubbish was that?

And he didn't even recognise him, that Song Taeha. Even with the rag he was wearing he still displayed the air that no longer belonged to him. Honour... chivalry, some nonsense a paltry slave have no need of.

Somehow he managed to convince himself that Song Taeha was just mere slave that got lucky to be able to elude him all the time. Yet something about that man grated him; he was a slave hunter, him a slave. Yet he didn't even behave as if bothered at the fact he was being hunted.

The man did seemed to have a death wish; even before he fell from grace. Did all that fealty and being loyal to the country gave the man some sort of permanent death wish? Was dying for the sake of the country all that honourable? If that was so he was glad he never managed to end up towards _that_ direction. The old him might think different, but life had thought him much since then. Being alive was much better than being dead...

He never thought of letting him off, at least until he found out that Song Taeha was in conjugal ties with Eonnyeon. And then there was that _misunderstanding_.

He never knew Song Taeha in person; never bothered. Even back then when the man unknowingly saved his life. He had resigned to let himself believe that the so-called General was just too good to be true. Yet he ended up knowing more of him because of Eonnyeon.

He didn't realise how _stupid_ Song Taeha really was. The man who didn't even want to accept the truth even if it was right in front of him. Yet the man even showing an even foolish side of him to still upholding all those honour and dignity rubbish. (As if fighting endlessly until all of their strength exhausted wasn't foolish enough.)

What use of honour and fealty if you end up dead for it? Wasn't it better to survive?

xxx

Why didn't he kill Song Taeha when he had the chance? Could it be to pay back the debt of gratitude on that man for saving his life all those times? But no... that was not the way of the life on the streets. And if he had thought of paying that _debt_, he wouldn't have accepted the job anyway.

Why didn't Song Taeha kill him? If he did they wouldn't have ended up being locked up, and the fool would have returned to Eonnyeon's side and she'd be safe. At his expense but at least Eonnyeon's safe. That was all that mattered.

And listening to all of Song Taeha's miserable nonsense made him even more regretful that he _didn't_ kill the man right off. So why didn't he? Oh... it must be because of Eonnyeon. Because it was clear from start that Eonnyeon cared a lot about Song Taeha. If not, she wouldn't have made that face when she thought he would hurt him.

It must have been her. Because he couldn't stand the thought of seeing Eonnyeon's tears fall to her cheeks; should Song Taeha dies. Of turning her into a young widow, since like it or not she was still married to the idiot. Yet, the idiot himself resigned himself to be killed after he defeated him. Was he intending to sacrifice himself for Eonnyeon's sake? Just because of a past long gone?

"_Wouldn't everything be solved if I die instead?"_

Did Eonnyeon rubbed their peculiarities off each other or were they into self-sacrifice so much? Both of them were so keen to keep the other safe, it made him sick. (Did they truly loved each other, Eonnyeon and Song Taeha?)

Despite that, he still didn't kill Song Taeha.

xxx

"_I'm counting on you to ensure my spouse and His Highness are cared for. I trust you shall accede."_

He didn't like it, hearing it from that mouth of his. It sounded as if someone had giving him a will of a sort. The kind like his late father would have given or written for him to pass on his inheritance; should his father had lived to a ripe old age. The kind of unnecessary things yangbans do before they died—since commoners rarely do that and if you die, you die. What's to prepare all those things if you yourself were uncertain of when and how your demise would be? That didn't do his father good... or Cheon Jiho or whoever...

But Yangbans do that... yeah. Even if it's pointless.

And it looked like that's exactly what Song Taeha seemed to imply to him—despite all his talk about trying to survive. He so not buying the notion that the man had completely wiped out all that notion about dying with honour from his head. Song Taeha also sounded as if trying to convince himself that he'd do his best surviving so that did little to convince him.

Daegil turned towards the small abode Jjakgwi had given the pair and took a peek from the window to see what Song Taeha was doing. He was busy writing things on several pieces of paper.

Yeah. So much for not allowing himself to worry over the man. Even if the man was not the reckless type, Song Taeha seemed like the kind of person you cannot help wanting to watch over. Because he was the kind of man that would prioritize others before himself.

xxx

And he was right, about keeping Song Taeha company. The fool would have died many times if he was not around. But... supposed it couldn't be helped. Looked like his last remaining men had croaked; if Hwang Cheolwoong should be believed about letting one_former compeer _survive.

And now there were none remaining.

He thought he could say something; to soothe or comfort, but he had none. Somehow he could not fault the man anymore for having so dire a death wish. He didn't know how the man had lived his life before—but he knew that Song Taeha had no other family—he wouldn't have been able to fathom the adversities he had faced to warrant such death wish.

His cries could have broken many hearts; he could not imagine how it felt. Guess he would be feeling the same if General Choi and Wangson had truly died and their bodies lied before him. And how many of Song Taeha's men Wangson had said before? Quite a number; and if Song Taeha had been real close with them, losing them in such a way would have driven anyone mad with sorrow.

He really could not leave this guy alone...

xxx

"_Hearing that... disheartened me. The idea of finding one good reason not to die,"_

"_...no matter how hard it is, I must survive; so that path is much more arduous than accepting demise."_

Since when life had been easy to live in; oh, the old life he had... and that didn't prepare him for what comes after. If facing just a few harsh adversity was enough to make you seek death, it just mean you're weak. Seeking death... was a cowardly way to go. If your life seemed hard to bear, you should have just strive through it until you reached the light. But since this was Song Taeha they were talking about, he must be talking about the many battles he had faced.

Who know someone could have gotten tired of all those fighting. Accepting demise would have been easier compared to trying to survive with all of the odds against them. And Song Taeha did have a talent to attracting all sorts of danger towards himself.

"_Love the world you live in, and you'll find the courage to change it."_

"_No matter how steady the tide, it can never stop water from flowing."_

Yet, he had to admit that the fella was interesting. Even with all of the naivete and loyalty talk, he had an interesting way of thinking to keep looking for the good and righteous path. Even if that could cost his own demise. The fella did tried to change the world and the man already started to change himself.

Pursuing all of this might be a death wish as well—seeing the odds the corrupt government had against him—but at least it's not a boring one.

xxx

"_That I'll fulfil my pledge to protect His Highness. That I will survive to the very end, and change the world with him."_

And somehow, that convinced him. Song Taeha might not be able to find a reason to keep surviving all on his own. Yet, through Eonnyeon—Kim Hyewon if you insist—as well as that moppet that was His Highness; they became a reason for him to live. And he saw that resolve in the man's eyes; as he ran and scurry like a bait to its hound, as Song Taeha put down every single one of his pursuers... without taking their lives.

Such cold resolve, without hesitation... was not the look of someone reckless to end his own life.

Song Taeha had a mission; to survive and protect the people he had sworn to do so. This time he truly did see the true Song Taeha; the one who saved his life back during his weak attempt to kill that Qing soldier who was about to take Eonnyeon away. For a moment he wondered what could his life be had his life not turned out this way. If he did ended up taking the National Examination—despite he might not take a _Military_ examination—joining up with General Choi and being led by that man.

Could it be possible for him to achieve that wish he used to have—probably not—but could Song Taeha achieve what he can't? That aside, running alongside the man proved to be an exciting venture. Even if he did end up being a Tiger bait.

How odd.

He told General Choi that seeing Eonnyeon every moment was killing him; much worse than not seeing her for these many years. Yet he ran alongside her husband; getting to know him even more, the man who claimed the love of his beloved.

If seeing Eonnyeon every day kept killing him inside, what did running alongside Song Taeha warrant him to be?

General Choi said to no longer concern himself with Song Taeha. Yet instead of avoiding them he stayed close to them. Trouble always crossed Song Taeha's path and the man no stranger to barging into them; so insisting to keep along with them means he also had a death wish?

But he had a lot of excitement while tagging along with them.

If that meant he had a death wish, he would have gotten one much earlier. Then maybe he would have found Eonnyeon a lot faster...

"_I wonder if we could have met as compeers instead?"_

Nah... if he had a choice to repeat this life, he wouldn't have wanted anything to change. Not of becoming a slave hunter, not of searching for Eonnyeon, not of chasing after Song Taeha. He wouldn't make a proper, decent officer after all. And as much as it hurts, Eonnyeon was better off with the guy.

If doing so might kill him, so be it. And illusion as it may seemed, had Song Taeha grown attached to him as well? No, enough of all that complications. Seeing Taeha happily with Eonnyeon was enough to last a lifetime.

"_What's the reason you doing all this?"_

"_That fool rescued me once..."_

Yet another _rule_ he had broken; on not paying a debt of gratitude. And for one debt, how great had he paid in return? Even more than how he usually paid after an affront; he took an even longer time to pay for a single debt of gratitude. A great amount of payment, just in return for saving a paltry life as his.

What a death wish indeed, just to resolve a single debt.

Yet a hero he'd become, a hero of all ages.


End file.
